Kicking a friend out of a band.

Lumpy · July 27, 2011, 08:13:58 PM

I had to get rid of my guitar player, I've been friends with him for 30 years. We'll still be friends later, but he was driving me crazy. Showing up to practice totally unprepared (why is this pedal real loud, and this one real soft? I don't know dude, figure that out on your own time). Not helping to pay for the practice space, complaining about stuff all the time. Bad back, can't even carry his own amps.

Hey man, here's the recording of what we were doing last week.
(Later) Oh sorry, I never listened to that.

Oh, well here's some selections from different days, I picked out some of the best bits.
(Later) Oh sorry, I never listened to that.

Um yeah, here are the best bits which I think we could make into an album. What do you think of the song order?
(Later) Oh sorry, I never listened to that.

Really? You never listen to your own music, even if I told you I think it could be an album?

Still, I feel guilty. But I know some people get kicked out of bands just for not being able to help pay for practice space. I floated this dude for over a year, almost two years.

Anybody else had to cut somebody loose, even though he's your friend?

Jake · July 27, 2011, 09:33:00 PM

Ouch. Did he see it coming or was he blindsided?

(you were toally justified, imo)

justJon · July 27, 2011, 10:15:19 PM

Firing people sucks, friend or not.

I had to fire a friend as our bass player almost 30 years ago. We were drinking/wenching buddies for several years leading up to it, shared food/beer/women on the road (I shit you not!) It got to where he was more interested in drinking/getting/being drunk than playing/practicing/touring/etc, so he had to go. Everybody said he'd take it better, coming from me.

He literally hasn't spoken to me since.

I'd still do it again. It was the right thing for me and the band. Losing a friend over music still sucks.

Lumpy · July 27, 2011, 10:43:21 PM

Quote from: Jake on July 27, 2011, 09:33:00 PM
Ouch. Did he see it coming or was he blindsided?

(you were toally justified, imo)

I dunno. I was getting a lot of subtle "I'm not into this" messages. There was a big enthusiasm gap. Also, I kicked him out once before, maybe 1.5 years ago (and then after 9 months, I said fuck it, maybe I was being too uptight). I realized I'm not uptight, he is just plain difficult to work with. It was affecting me and spoiling my attitude about the project.

Pundan · July 27, 2011, 10:53:57 PM

And I suppose you have talked to him about not listening to your recordings, showing up unprepared and so forth?

Just yesterday, me and one of my best friends who's also the drummer in our band spoke about what could've been an argument instead of keeping it inside and being stubborn. We we're totally Dr.Phil-ing and it was the best thing we've done I believe. If you've been friends with him for 30 years you should be able to talk to him properly.

spookstrickland · July 27, 2011, 11:37:57 PM

The bad back thing really sucks. I have a bad back and I play some really tiny light weight shit these days that people get pissed about because they can not hear it but I do not want to have to rely on other people to carry my shit.

the other stuff is totally justified but the bad back part I feel for him, it's a tough boat to be in.

Lumpy · July 28, 2011, 12:04:06 AM

Quote from: Pundan on July 27, 2011, 10:53:57 PM
And I suppose you have talked to him about not listening to your recordings, showing up unprepared and so forth?

Just yesterday, me and one of my best friends who's also the drummer in our band spoke about what could've been an argument instead of keeping it inside and being stubborn. We we're totally Dr.Phil-ing and it was the best thing we've done I believe. If you've been friends with him for 30 years you should be able to talk to him properly.

Actually, Dr. Phil would be useful in this case, because I've only talked about some of the issues. I didn't want to blog a whole page worth of drama. Here's a good one -

Hey, I can't afford 12 dollars for practice this week, I'm taking my daughter to Europe for 3 weeks
Hey no problem - I'll pay for it, I support your trip with your daughter (hourly practice space)
Sorry I'm late, my weed guy took forever to show up

Lumpy · July 28, 2011, 01:16:14 AM

I guess it opens up a whole can of worms -- the whole general question of "If you were really my friend, you'd clean up my vomit".

Oh?

I guess I have an obligation to him, to have his back... but what about his obligation to me? At some point you have to recognize that something's not working, and move on.

MichaelZodiac · July 28, 2011, 05:04:46 AM

After a couple of months of laying low we're gonna get started very soon although I fear we'll first have to have a Dr Phil meeting on the manner of getting started (we all have more gear than we did before and no real practice place) and more importantly if we can get some unison in terms of sound, I'm relistening our one song demo as I type this and I think both the guitar player and I are going to have very different sounds in comparison to a couple of months ago. I sincerely hope that no conflict will arise as the guitarplayer is my best friend and the drummer a really close friend.

mortlock · July 28, 2011, 07:50:27 AM

never easy to do. ive actually never had to do it. although ive quit bands that i had friends in because they werent towing the line. it was easier for me to quit than fire the whole band..if that makes any sense.

LogicalFrank · July 28, 2011, 09:59:28 AM

Instead of firing him, you and everyone else in the band should quit and form a new band w/o him.

Lumpy · July 28, 2011, 01:01:40 PM

It was a two piece band. Just me and him.

justinhedrick · July 28, 2011, 01:23:01 PM

Quote from: Lumpy on July 28, 2011, 01:01:40 PM
It was a two piece band. Just me and him.

guitar players are a dime a dozen!

Corey Y · July 28, 2011, 02:29:08 PM

I don't think I've ever had to kick anyone out of a band, actually. In most cases the person quit before they were booted. In one case the guy ended up going to jail. I can't recall ever being in a band when the band as a whole was great but one person was a problem. So most of the time if things were going sour the band just broke up or I quit.

I have had a serious personal conflict over quitting a band before. I was the primary song writer and the singer and I didn't want to do the band anymore, because I felt like all my ideas were being shot down but no one wanted to contribute anything ("no, I don't like that, write something else", etc.). I tried to be very diplomatic because the guys in the band were my friends. I told them they could replace me, use any songs I had written, I would teach my replacement the songs, I just didn't want to do the band anymore. They didn't talk to me for 9 months. I ended up working it out with both of them (although I'm only still friends with one at this point), but it was really awkward.

RAGER · July 28, 2011, 03:23:28 PM

ya gotta do what ya gotta do. I've done it. but to be in my band ya gotta be a shit hot player..period.

nonoman · July 28, 2011, 09:15:06 PM

Quote from: LogicalFrank on July 28, 2011, 09:59:28 AM
Instead of firing him, you and everyone else in the band should quit and form a new band w/o him.

I've done this.

grimniggzy · July 28, 2011, 09:52:15 PM

Quote from: Lumpy on July 28, 2011, 12:04:06 AM

Hey, I can't afford 12 dollars for practice this week, I'm taking my daughter to Europe for 3 weeks
Hey no problem - I'll pay for it, I support your trip with your daughter (hourly practice space)
SORRY I'M LATE, MY WEED GUY TOOK FOREVER TO SHOW UP

this had me busting out laughing at work.

Hemisaurus · July 28, 2011, 10:11:14 PM

Quote from: LogicalFrank on July 28, 2011, 09:59:28 AM
Instead of firing him, you and everyone else in the band should quit and form a new band w/o him.

I saw this happen. A friend of mine was fired from the band he was in, all the other members apart from the guy that fired him quit and formed a new band with him, proves sometimes it's the guy doing the firing that is the real dick. It was one of those name projects where the guy that fired him, was the guy with his name in the band, you know like Joe Boggs and the Sump-Pump Misfits, it was suggested the new band should be called No Boggs

(names changed to protect the guilty)

neighbor664 · July 28, 2011, 11:00:18 PM

Kinda the inverse for me. I not so long ago had quit a band consisting of three very dear friends. I was never kicked out of the band though. SR.COM refugees will remember Damnweevil. After a few personal tragedies and some financial troubles I'd decided I was just not feeling it anymore. Not the band's music, but the whole thing. All the trappings of being in a busy band. I just started feeling it wasn't fair to the other guys. No one ever confronted me about it or told me I wasn't cutting it, but I felt like I wasn't. About the same time I also quit my job. I just kinda went into hiding. A few months later my dad got sick. Being at his bedside and fighting with doctors became the focus of my former job and band energies. Dad passed, I broke up with my girlfriend and was I was even homeless for a bit.
Things are going fairly good now. I am only now starting to feel like playing with other folks though. I really don't want to be in a band, but I have a few songs I've wrote over the last few years that I need to do something with.

Hemisaurus · July 28, 2011, 11:49:51 PM

record them. play as many of te arts as you can yourself, get friends to do the rest, or program it, if you know how.

it's funny how oftentimes all the shit seems to come at you all at once

Lumpy · July 28, 2011, 11:59:34 PM

Wow, that sounds pretty rough (neighbor664). Good to hear that you've pulled through.

Man, I do feel for the guy who I kicked out. But I couldn't handle the drama. I just want to play music with a minimum of drama. He is a good guitar player, but there are other good guitar players out there.

chille01 · July 29, 2011, 12:46:19 AM

Sometimes all it takes is ASKING the dude if he's into it. And usually, if you have to ask, he ain't. He may be just hanging in there because he doesn't want to let YOU down. He may welcome the out, if you bring it up, and this way it's a mutual thing, rather than a firing. That's the way I've done it before anyway. Works on chicks too!

mawso · July 29, 2011, 11:20:36 AM

Quote from: Corey Y on July 28, 2011, 02:29:08 PM
I can't recall ever being in a band when the band as a whole was great but one person was a problem.

I can - I was in that situation about 18 months ago. In the end the bass player quit, because it just wasn't working, and I told the drummer that I just wasn't enthusiastic about it all. A few weeks later, bass player called me up and told me he was jamming with this new drummer that would be keen to do my songs - so it kinda ended up as per Frank's suggestion, heh.

The drummer we got rid of wasn't an old friend, but he was a really good dude, one of the nicest guys I've ever met actually. Ran into him at another band's show not long ago, and he was still clearly cut up about the whole thing, which is a pity.

VOLVO))) · July 29, 2011, 11:30:49 AM

I have the exact opposite situation, my bandmates don't think we spend enough time together. We jam, and write songs, shoot the shit, but after practice, we part ways. I don't really hang out with them. I skate with my drummer, he's a great guy, and a joy to be around. The bass player is in a constant downspiral that I tried to help him out of about a year ago, with disastrous results. He doesn't pay for shit, own his own amp, etc etc. Anyways, he texted me a few weeks ago saying how "I don't feel like we're friends." Seriously? Mind you, all he does for fun is get blackout drunk, and sits at his house. He incessantly texts me at 2-5 in the morning about "WHY DO MY GOOD LOOKS DOOM ME TO BE ALONE?" (lol.) It's a real clusterfuck. Yet, he wants to spend more time with him?

Fuck people, and their dumb fucking feelings. It's a band. I don't have to be your butt buddy to be in a band with you. If we don't gel outside of the band doesn't matter. The music matters.

That being said, I've played in two bands with some REALLY good friends, and all we ever ended up doing is hanging out, and eventually going out to eat. I can't totally get along with my bandmates, or we'll never do anything. haha.

Discö Rice · July 29, 2011, 01:17:34 PM

I've been lucky so far since my move to NYC. Both of the people I've played with, withe intention of starting a band (regularly and... less regularly) are stand up people with gobs of talent who are a lot of fun to work with. If anything, my being broke has been the downer. After a long layoff I feel like I'm getting back to where I used to be by leaps and bounds, thanks in large part to playing with really good musicians who challenge me and make me really want to play my best and constantly improve.