Band mother...

[VOLVO)))]

Alright, how many of you cool cats are the "band mother?" You know, the motivated one who owns all of the equipment, has a stable jam space, a steady job and wants to write good music? How do you handle monetary situations with bandmates? Drummer/bassist use all my shit. My bass, my cables, my pedals, my bass rig, my drums, my cymbals, my sticks etc etc. Not to mention I pay the entire 225 bucks worth of rent for the jam space. Shit's running me dry, I put new heads on the kit at a whopping 90 bucks, replaced all the felts under the cymbals so they don't crack, and bought 5-6 pairs of sticks. By the end of band practice, my new heads were all dented because my drummer has piss poor stick discipline, and three pairs of sticks were broken. I told him it was fucked up, and he said "They're just drums, man." I almost exploded, but kept my cool instead.

So, bass player approaches me tonight about a potential new band, and asks me to play bass for it, he's playin' guitar. I'm thinkin' "sweet, finally something I can enjoy, relax and just play music in." Wrong, the drummer he found doesn't have a kit, and he just broke it to me that he sold the guitar rig I hooked him up with on cheap so he could buy tickets to MDF, and that he'd need to use my rig. I told him fuck no.

So, now, I think it's time to crack down on them for some scrolls, since I've been supporting this shit for the year and some change we've been together. How do I do it? I'm shitty when it comes to asking for anything, some dumb pride issue, etc etc. HELP...

[fallen]

Sounds like a nightmare.

Stop buying sticks for one. Let him play with whatever's left after he breaks them.

Then start "selling" stuff. IE remove items and tell people you had to sell them to pay for guitars or rent or whatever.

Who knows, maybe someone will start stepping up. Or maybe the bass player will end up playing with no pedals and the drummer will keep playing with broken sticks and one cymbal.

[neighbor664]

Please don't take this as a dig, but that sounds more like enabler or push-over. Cut 'em loose.

[Ayek]

The longer you leave it the more solidified your position of door mat will be. I'm guessing you're in a situation of either playing with guys who got no gear or playing by yourself, yeah? It seems either they're not serious enough to invest in gear, or are so accustomed to you supplying everything that they don't bother. I'd prolly take the gradual approach otherwise they'd possibly just bail, which may or may not be a bad thing.

[bbottom]

I've always been the band mother in terms of doing the bulk of the work as well as being the driving force most enthusiastic person in the band. Not to mention the one with the steady job and whatnot.
However their is no way in hell that I would do all of the stuff for a band that you are doing. When I used to rent a space like 10 years ago I played with a drummer that couldn't come up with $10 a month for the practice space (I only asked for that much so that at least he would contribute something) Mother fucker didn't pay once in the three months that I asked him for it. I ended up telling him to pound sand, fuck that.

I'd be damned if I would supply my bandmates with gear for them to play. If they don't have instruments than obviously they aren't serious about being in a band.

If I were you I'd dump all of those guys and throw an ad up on craigslist looking for more mature people that have their shit together. I'm not sure how old you are, but their is nothing wrong with playing with guys who are much older and have at least some sense of responsibility.

[Harm]

Well, you sound like a sweet mother SunnO))) but to cut them loose is by far the best decision. That dude who sold your rig that you gave him clearly doesn't respect you so don't respect him.

The duo i'm in consists of two mothers, we are both enthusiastic, have our own shit and split the cost of the room where we rehearse and that is the most honest in my opinion.

[moose23]

I've lent gear and let people use some of my stuff as it suited the band better but never paid all the rent or supplied all the gear. As with all successful relationships it's all about give and take. If one person is doing all the giving and the other(s) is/are all the taking then it's a relationship that's going to fail. Yeah I look at all bands as relationships.

[MichaelZodiac]

I'm probably the band mother as in I think the most about sound and getting the drummer motivated is also a big part of my duties. When I told him we need to experiment with lower tunings (we now tune in C), he was like: "Lower? We're already in C." We kinda use everybody's gear though and we rehearse at the drummer's place so it's in balance as far as I'm concerned. Rehearsals are more hangouts anyway. But the stuff they pull on you is just lame on their part. Are they motivated to play shows? It's 1 thing to rehearse but it's another thing to really get the stuff in a car/van, drive to a venue, play a gig, hangout, see other bands, I think that's really the only way a band can truly be a band.

[bloodofkings]

I can't wrap my head around people wanting to be in a band and not having any gear at all. I could see gear not up to snuff. I've been there before and a few guys have been gracious enough to loan me an amp for a little while but that's always a temporary arrangement and I make it very clear that it's temporary. I've started bands where guys may not have an amp loud enough to keep up and I've loaned them an amp but they at least have a guitar to play.

[rayinreverse]

Band mom to me does not equate paying for peoples shit.

We have a band mom, but he just stays sober and drives on tour. Finds us places to sleep, and generally keeps us in check.

[Jake]

Jesus, ImposterJakeO))), that sounds like one of the more unhealthy band dynamics I've heard about in a long time. Mostly because it puts you in the extremely shitty position that cutting them off effectively shuts it all down.

The first thing I would do would be to tell the directly that you're not comfortable doing everything, and if they want to continue, they will have to step up. They all sound very immature, so don't expect shit to change overnight. But at least get them on a pathway to some independence. Let them buy their own sticks. Ask for at least SOME dough for room rental. If they show signs that the concept is taking, encourage things like even monthly splits.

If the concept doesn't take, abandon ship, find more able-bodied folks to jam with, and consider it a lesson learned.

[VOLVO)))]

It really is the "supply everything or no band" scenario. I tried and tried and tried to find people, but this place is filled with the same person over and over. Flaky college kids or locals that didnt move away from here the second they got the chance. I want to play music, badly, and this is the only way I can, it seems, but it's making me unhappy. Unhappy + playing music = no fun. There's no reason to do this, at this point, but im trying to soldier on for the sake of my creative soul. Im not a pushover, Im just desperate. They want to play shows, but what that entails, since drummer is a hundred pound asian kid, and the bass player is 130 pound vegan, is me slinging all the weight, oh yeah, bassist has no ride. So thats my truck getting us to and fro. Ok, this is working. Im just gonna tell 'em get fucked, tonight.

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[grimniggzy]

This sounds horrible, hope you're able to find some better peeps.

[mortlock]

dont cut off your nose to spite your face..wait till you have other band mates lined up..i couldnt imagine not having an outlet for my music. ive dedicated my life to playing in bands that maybe 20 other people care about. ive destroyed marriages for it, stupid, i know but i cant help it. i was hoping id out grow it, but at 43, im pretty sure it wont happen..

remember..you jam with the guys you have, not the guys you wish you had.. 

[lordfinesse]

I think that instead of one of us being the band mother, we're all like Mormon wives with shared responsibilities. Pissy has traditionally carried a little more financial weight than the rest of us. Nate has usually provided or procured transportation. They both do flyers/posters. They buy most of the beer, but they drink most of it too. I provide most of the women.. wait, no.. I provide most of the song ideas and album/set themes, as well as handling the recording stuff and managing our prolific output and hectic album release schedule. We have a guy named Manny handle the money, although we haven't seen him in a long time.

[VOLVO)))]

Im joining Husky.

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[Jake]

I'm joining Husky too. I can be the Mormon Weedwife.

[Zero]

I'm probably the band mother I guess. I do most the booking, etc and kind of always have in all the bands I've been a part of. I don't mind though as I know all the booking agents/promoters etc.

That said, there is no way in hell I would be in a band with people that did not #1: have their own gear, and #2 did not pay their share for rent (if you're renting a space). If you are in a gigging band, you should have your own gear, transportation and be able to front your share of monetary things. To me, these are basic things...rudimentary even. Otherwise, stick to the basement.

[Worthless Willie]

Dude, you should move. 

[justinhedrick]

Dude, you should move. 

jake, i've told you before that if you moved to illinois i could probably find you a job, a place to live, and you could be in my band.

[Hemisaurus]

The drummer / keyboard guy in my old reggae band used to be an independent courier, I'm sure he could hook you up.

Then again swampland to illinois, it's like out of the steaming pan and into the fire / icebox / water bath depending on what minute it is. If I was going to move somewhere based on weather or musical availability, it would not be Illinois. Even Chicago is pretty cliquey music wise.

[Instant Dan]

I think it's best you pack up all the stuff into your RV and hit the dusty trail. Raleigh? Atlanta? Savannah? Mobile?

[The Shocker]

New Orleans? Definitely not Jxn.

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[Chovie D]

they dont call me "Big Baby Chovis" for nuthin..."goo-goo"!

[VOLVO)))]

I... need to do something. Im gonna holler at some old friends and see if they wanna jam.

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